The Trailing Spouse Dilemma

When everyone else settles in, where do you find yourself?

There is something people don’t always talk about when they talk about moving abroad. They talk about the excitement. The opportunities. The better future. The new experiences. What they don’t always talk about is what it means to leave your own life behind. Especially when you are the trailing spouse.

Your spouse got a great opportunity; you said yes to a new country, a new life, a new everything. You moved because you wanted a better future for your children, and you believed that this was the right thing for your family.

You packed up not just your home but your life, said goodbye to family and friends, left behind the familiar streets, your routines, your work, your independence, perhaps even a version of yourself that you had spent years building.

You told yourself: It’s an adventure. We’ll settle in. Things will get easier. And eventually, it did for everyone else but You.

Your partner found their place at work. They met colleagues, built a career, had somewhere to be every morning, met new people, and made new acquaintances. Your children started school, made new friends, learned the language, and began to feel at home. Everyone started moving forward.
And you?

You may have had a career before you moved. You may have been independent and ambitious. You had your own friends, your own routines, your own identity. Then suddenly, you are introduced as someone’s wife or someone’s husband. You accept it, saying to yourself, that you will get back to your your own professional and personal life later.

And sometimes, later never seems to come. You tell yourself, once I understand the language, I will start or once everyone else settles down, then I will figure it out. And just like that, years can pass.

The loneliness nobody sees.
The strange thing is that you can be surrounded by people, your family and still feel incredibly lonely. When you talk to family and friends back home you are always told to be grateful; you are in the happiest country in the world, you have a great family, a comfortable home- what are you complaining about? You just can’t explain to them that it has nothing to do with being ungrateful, as sometimes you are simply grieving a life that was left behind while trying to build another one where you now can’t find yourself.

You are allowed to miss who you were. You are allowed to wonder what might have happened if you had stayed. And you are allowed to want something for yourself again.

Who am I now?
This is often the difficult question. What do I want? What makes me feel alive? What kind of work would give me meaning? What have I put aside for everyone else? These questions can feel overwhelming when you’ve been putting yourself last for a long time.

But they can also be the beginning of something.

Finding your direction again
Whatever I have described above is what i have gone through myself. I know this feeling because I have lived it. I moved countries and left behind the familiar. I had to rebuild my life in a new place, navigate a new culture and language, and find my own sense of belonging. I know what it feels like to be part of a family while also wondering where I fit in the picture.

That experience is one of the reasons I became a coach. Not because I have all the answers. But because I know how important it can be to have a space where you are the focus. A space where you are understood and not judged. Where you can untangle the thoughts, reconnect with what matters to you, and begin to hear your own voice again.

You don’t have to have your next ten years figured out; you simply need to start with one question:

What do I want for myself now?

You did the big thing. You moved. You started again. You built a life for the people you love.

Now it is time to find your way back to yourself. You matter.

Let’s find your direction again.